In this bonus episode as part of our series on mental health, previous guest Matthew Axton shares his story of overcoming and continuing to deal with a traumatic experience, details the impact it had on his life, and offers us encouragement to just reach out and be there for each other.
Transcript
Trent Manning:
welcome to the reel turf techs podcast for the technician that wants to get reel follow along. As we talk to industry professionals and address hot topics that we all face along the way we’ll learn tips and tricks. I’m your host, Trent. Manny let’s have some Welcome to the real turf text podcast, mental health series. Today’s episode is the first and a short series featuring previous guests sharing their stories of dealing with mental health challenges. These conversations came together as a result of popular demand and discussion and the real turf X WhatsApp group. Our goal with this series are to let the real turf tech community. No. That you and your loved ones. Are not alone in facing mental health challenges. To decrease the stigma around talking about mental health. And to encourage people to seek help and support. We’re lucky to have four friends of the podcast, back all to share their stories. And we know this community will offer them our support. And thanks for opening up with us. We’ll be asking our friends to share some early signs that they were struggling. What helped them get from their low points to where they are today. And what they learned along the way. Today, we’ll be talking to our buddy in Barain. Matthew Axton. As a heads up Matthew story. Includes the details of a fatal car crash. He witnessed. And references to suicide. So looking back, what were some of your early signs that you were struggling?
Matthew Axton:
So, I had my nervous breakdown when I was 25 at the time I was working at a golf course and life was good. Everything was all right. I had a partner, everything was going along, typical sort of 20 year old, nothing can stop me, you know, indestructable sort of way. And the one day I was picking up spare parts on the way home from the local dealer who I happen to used to work for. And this is what caused it. It’s better off to start how it happened.
Trent Manning:
Okay.
Matthew Axton:
So there was a really bad car crash for the dealership. And the dealership used to be in a bit of a dip. It was like the road came along, was in a bit of a goalie and there was two kids racing each other in their cars, all sort of 1890. There was zipping down the lines. The first car got through the second car. Didn’t quite make it and it clipped a car with a lady and two little kids. And then he lost control and then he plowed head on into another car. So I was first out the door at the grass bank. And my dream job was always to be a fireman. Before I got into the turf industry. And unfortunately in the UK, you couldn’t have glasses in it 18. I got told I needed glasses so I had no. with an incident because that was my dream shower shot anyway, shag and the lady and the two kids were all right, but the two 19 year old lads in the car, they’ve dead. And I was first in through the window, you know, I got to the driver. I couldn’t get to the passenger, but I knew both of them. The passenger had broken. And the driver had smashed his nose off the steering wheel and it had gone up into his brain. So I knew they would got finished. So I went to the other card and there was more people that turned up at this point. So anyway, I dealt with a crash, it went on and So life carried on as normal. And what I didn’t realize was when the crash happened, obviously the traffic buildup and these three, 18 year old kids come running down the road and it was their friends. 10 minutes earlier, they’d been playing football together so all of a sudden they’ve gone from their friends, all laughing and joking. The one that. I will never forget because I had a rugby tackling down an embankment to get him away from the car. He was just doing laps of the car in shock. His two friends were dead. He was just doing laps to the car. I let you out the tackling down the grass. And back when we took him inside out the way. So then I helped the emergency service deal with it. Now it’s all, I’m always, like I say, life was good in a relationship. Everything was going along. And what I didn’t realize he did was it made me start, I always called it. My reality check because it made me realize that’s how quick life can be. Well, many of you that next week, you’re going. And as a 24 year old, I’d never thought of this. just
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
Matthew Axton:
carry on there. And then over the next sort of 10, 12 months, this just kept going on in my head. And I was fighting myself. So it’s going Rand, Rand, animal, arguing yourself. And then it started to get to the point. Every time I got in a car, I was convinced that I was going to have a really bad crash. Like I was cursed you want to call it that.
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
Matthew Axton:
Maybe it was post-traumatic stress. don’t know. So at this point I’ve swapped jobs and I am doing a much longer journey to work every day and, it affected me physically as well as mentally. I started to have real issues with my colon. Being able to go to the toilet. Basically it became a to point. It would become uncontrollable. I would start to get spasms in my gut and that spasm was like the alarm call. You’re going to the toilet. And I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was always when it was in the car, It was hell to be honest, And then the one day I was at work. And I just didn’t feel well. I think at this point my brain and my body couldn’t take anymore and I overcome it and fought it and overcome it and overcoming it in 40. And it got to the point where I just couldn’t handle it anymore. And I was at work and I was working for a. of the senior mechanics and I couldn’t do my job, I sat at this machine and this machine I’d taken apart. God knows how many times, you know, it was just a winter service regrown. I just sat there and I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it. And I had strange headache and I just felt off. So I got in the car. I just said to the boss, I’m going home. I don’t feel too good. I’m not with it. So I’m going to go ahead. And then that car journey back was what broke me all was the final point. So on that car journey back, I was playing games in my head so much and fighting myself internally so much that I remember, I used to get down a back lane through the farmer’s fields to get. And there was a big tree on the corner, big solid thicker. And it got to the point where I told myself if I drive at that tree and just have a crash, the cure, everything, and I actually accelerated or accelerate my family done that I accelerated. then I would just stop myself. Idiot
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
Matthew Axton:
went past the tree, drove out, got home, went straight to bed, slept for six hours, seven hours. And then the next thing I remember was my dad coming home from work. I’m waking you up. And at that point I broke that. My girlfriend wasn’t back from work. My dad came in, I woke up, I cried for probably 12 hours
Trent Manning:
Well,
Matthew Axton:
nonstop. The whole lot just came out like a tidal wave. I couldn’t stop myself now. I’m not an emotional person, but that day I was uncontrolled just at the blue. I’d gone from this full of life. No fear to just this wreck, absolute wreck in the space of eight hours a day. And. The next day I woke up, I went to work. One thing I always promised myself when I was suffering was I would never have a day off work because a lot of people suffer and then they, first thing they do is they say they can handle work. And some people probably can’t it probably worse than where I am, but I always set myself the challenge that I would not miss a day of work. So I went to it the next day and I had a really good boss and I sat him down and I explained what I had done and he sat at work program. So it helped me, it took me off all the big kit, took me off all the diagnostic work. It give me to stroke and push mowers, which I could do with that half. Didn’t worry, without thinking too much. And then. I made the decision. Starting to go and speak to someone, it kind of crept a kind of, the early signs were definitely my body changed. You know, I started having the problems with my colon digestive system. That was one. You’re arguing. I was constantly arguing with myself internally.
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
Matthew Axton:
You can’t switch your brain off and you can’t find that relaxation point that your body needs just this pressure just kept building and building and building.
Trent Manning:
And I think the harder you try to say, think about something else or, don’t think about this is impossible.
Matthew Axton:
sits back on your shoulder and says a Logan’s on it. Yeah. Hi, I’m back and I had nightmares and, and, I have a very good photogenic memory. I can remember a lot of stuff. So like, even to this day, I could tell you that crash. To the point, I could draw your sketch exactly where everything was. The actual crash didn’t bother me, that kid running around that car, just endlessly running around in that car that just as a 24 year old, who it was living his life and living there that not mean physics.
Trent Manning:
Well, I helped you move from your low point to where you are.
Matthew Axton:
Family. This is my advice to anybody that listens to this podcast who thinks. Or knows they have a problem and is not sure how to go about it. The biggest thing that you can do to move from your low point is to tell someone that you’re struggling because there’s this stigma, especially as a male. And I hate to say it with the way social media is portrayed nowadays. I think the hardest thing for any human being is to actually sit down with somebody and say, I’m a mess. You need to help you got to be honest with yourself, because if you lie to yourself, you will naturally lie to somebody else. If you can’t be honest with yourself, you can’t be honest with anybody. So the day that I sat down with more data, my brother and said, I need help was probably the start of me coming at it. Do you fully recover from. I’m not so sure you do. I think you learn how to deal with it
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
Matthew Axton:
and how to live with it. And what the telltale signs are that you’re going through a rough patch. I’ll be honest. I’ve struggled with. You know, few weeks at times, it’s not easy at the moment with COVID and stuff, but it’s just you being able to say, you know what, I’m having a rough day or I’m having a rough week so for me, you want to move out of that load point and you want to progress. It starts with yourself and I’m sure you’re the people, your side to will probably say the same thing, because I think the people that are strong enough to be able to. Speak up are the ones that survive. So if they can’t talk about it themselves. They’re the ones that are going to suffer. So the biggest thing, no matter what line of work you’re in, just say I’m not okay. It’s the new thing to say now? Isn’t it hashtag it’s okay. Not to be okay. Just don’t be okay. That’s what I would say. You want to cry, cry. You want to stand in the middle of the street and scream your lungs down, do it, but let somebody know you’re struggling because somebody will help you,
Trent Manning:
What’d you learn from going through?
Matthew Axton:
Appreciate life for certain. A hundred percent. Try, and appreciate life for what it is did it make me a stronger person? Eventually I was probably a week a person for a while. I would say it took me three years from that day where I broke down, it took me three years for me to feel strongly enough to do certain things. So somebody else might be different. But for me, I had to go through that weak point and that vulnerable point. But maybe to be able to rebuild myself and come back out of it again. So I learned a lot about myself. And if you talk to my family and my friends well, you still, by the message I left on the WhatsApp group, you know, above all else, I’m very conscious now with the people, if I see someone who is showing telltale signs that like I had, I’m not scared to go and talk to them and say, is everything okay? Have I moved on? Yes. Do I still struggle? Yes. I’m not going to lie. I don’t think it kind of goes away. think you learn to respect it and deal with it.
Trent Manning:
Yeah. And different coping mechanisms that you can use to
Matthew Axton:
the safe places. When I was really suffering, I had three safe spaces. I had work. I had my home where I live in my dad and I had the game of rugby.
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
Matthew Axton:
And that was more three safe spots. If you took me to a Pope or a bar, I struggled.
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
Matthew Axton:
I just couldn’t deal with it, you know? Whatever I did was going to end in catastrophe. Me and my girlfriend at the time we split up. cause. I just think I became very difficult to deal with and she couldn’t understand because it not me for sick in October, all my confidence out of me, all my social aspect out of me I became quite reclusive. You know, I have the most ridiculous DVD collection at my dad’s house because my safe Haven was sitting on my. So I’ve got like four or 500 DVDs, maybe in my dad, my dad’s actually in the UK because that’s one of the places that I could cope with. So I was quite happy to just sit and watch movies all day or TV, documentaries, or whatever.
Trent Manning:
Well,
Matthew Axton:
It’s pretty good for me now. I can’t lie. It’s as good as I think you can expect it to be
Trent Manning:
There you go. What motivates you to share your story?
Matthew Axton:
I don’t want anybody to suffer. Like I suffered my best friend at school, he lived opposite me. When we left school, he went to university and either this year or late last year, same age as me, he took his own life the day after his birthday. He got mixed up with the wrong crowd at uni drugs got old him, and he did suffer. He really did. We used to bump into each other and ended up working at a local Petro station in my hometown, back in the UK. So I’d seen him in the morning since I was filling up. And that helped me really hard. I don’t want anybody to suffer like me. True, because it did stop me doing things in my life And I missed a lot to be honest,
Trent Manning:
Well, yeah, watching four or 500 DVDs.
Matthew Axton:
It’s not much of a life really, is it? But it’s time. That was the only thing I could do for me. Hence why put that message when we on the group? that message. If anybody in that group ever as a really rough day or they’re feeling really low. Even if it’s two o’clock in the morning here in Bahrain, somebody can feel free to pick that phone up to me and I’d do it for anybody. So let’s start talking to each other and be open about it. Not hard. Is it?
Trent Manning:
I don’t know. I think maybe it’s as hard to initialize a conversation like that, but once you do it,
Matthew Axton:
you scared? They won’t. Yeah,
Trent Manning:
yeah, you’re scared. Yeah.
Matthew Axton:
You scared because you thinking along the only one that’s going through.
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
Matthew Axton:
Because people don’t talk to each other.
Trent Manning:
Right.
Matthew Axton:
So you could be sat in a room with six mates, four of you could be going through exactly the same thing. Maybe the stress that’s causing it is slightly different, but that talking to yourself, playing games in your head and struggling to get out of bed and not wanting to go to the pub for a point, or going to the pub for a point. But you’re so uncomfortable. You’ve got cold sweats Don’t get to the point where you feel that your only way out of it is to do something stupid. I even hate to use the word suicide, Trent,
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
Matthew Axton:
because to me, suicide is the last resort. It’s like the final cry out for help that nine times out of 10, you’re not coming back from. And it shouldn’t get to that point. When all it takes is split down with someone with a cup of coffee and ask them how they’re doing. And if they need to cry, let them cry, offer them a shoulder to cry. You saving someone’s life potentially, really? And that that’s more important than anything else that we go through. So let’s all get together. Make each of them. But if we need to cry, cry for God’s sake, let it out.
Trent Manning:
Yeah, get it out. I think that’s important. You’re not struggling with any of this. If somebody wants to talk, all you gotta do is listen, you don’t have to solve all their issues,
Matthew Axton:
Sometimes it’s just getting the app. Isn’t it
Trent Manning:
yes, this is getting it out. You just got to listen to them.
Matthew Axton:
Yeah, speak up. But God’s side. Anybody listening to this?
Trent Manning:
Just speak up
Matthew Axton:
Any.
Trent Manning:
and reach out to Anybody, and more than likely they’ll listen.
Matthew Axton:
and you don’t have to be in the turf industry. If you just happened to be Joe blogs, dues found our podcast and you’re having to listen to it and hope it does go like that because I’m going to say I, for certain, I am going to send this to everybody because this is not just about to have technicians. Who’ve had problems or struggle. This is about hoses. Female male Childs, adults, I hope we can do our little bit to help really break down this negativity towards mental health, which is going it’s ongoing. Isn’t it? And it is, excuse me, it is much, much better now than it was five years ago.
Trent Manning:
Yeah, for sure.
Matthew Axton:
know a hundred times better than 10 years ago. I wish when I had that nervous breakdown at 25, I wish there was the things available to people like there is nowadays about mental health and the awareness of it, the hashtag it’s okay to not be okay, should be on everything
Trent Manning:
thank you. Matthew. has been great. Appreciate you. sharing your story with us. And lend their body know it’s okay. Not to be okay. hope you enjoyed hearing from Matthew is not easy. Sharon your villains on your struggles. And that some people might look at it. Your weaknesses. Not always easy to put it out there. And I’m so proud of Matthew. For telling his story. And I hope a story touches somebody. I hope it helps someone. And just remember if you need help, ask for help. You can ask anyone. Somebody will help you. So, if you’re struggling, don’t go through this alone. Talk to you soon. thank you so much for listening to the real turf techs podcast. I hope you learned something today. Don’t forget to subscribe. If you have any topics you’d like to discuss, or you’d like to be a guest, find us on Twitter at real turf techs.