John Borsos shares with us in this episode of our Mental Health Series some of the warning signs that his anxiety had become unmanageable – including being unable to sleep – and the impact of alcohol as a coping mechanism. John gives a great perspective on how our thoughts and what we focus on are the filters through which we experience our lives. It’s not always as simple as ‘just change your thoughts’ but we can have an impact on our lives by doing so. Support from a friend, therapy professional, and medication can help too. Keep trying until you find what works for you.
Transcript
Trent Manning:
welcome to the reel turf techs podcast for the technician that wants to get reel follow along. As we talk to industry professionals and address hot topics that we all face along the way we’ll learn tips and tricks. I’m your host, Trent. Manny let’s have some Welcome to the Reel turf Techs podcast, mental health series today, we’re bringing you the third episode in the series featuring previous guests. Sharing their stories of dealing with mental health challenges. Our goal with this series. Part. The real turf tech community know that you and your loved ones are not alone in facing mental health challenges. The decrease the stigma around talking about mental health. And to encourage people to seek help and support. Today, we’ll be talking with the man with our favorite Twitter handle. John Barroso. Or as we all know him, John shares with us today. How anxiety impacted his life. Let’s talk to John. All right, let’s do this. Looking back. What were some early signs you were struggling?
John Borsos:
Okay. So for me, anxiety is what my major issue was and. I can remember pacing around my house. At first didn’t like really click that. Something was really wrong. It was almost to me, a tick that I had where I was just anxious about the day, the next day, what was going on, but looking back on it, it was a huge sign. Something wasn’t right.
Trent Manning:
Hmm. How old were you when
John Borsos:
I was in my mid twenties,
Trent Manning:
okay.
John Borsos:
so I mean, figured mid twenties working flat rate, you worked, went to the bar, came home, did it over and over. And so some of that, may have made me overlook a lot of things at the time, because it was rinse and repeat just day after day, but like I said, starting the pacing and it turned into, not being able to sleep regularly to where I was up for a few days.
Trent Manning:
oh, wow. What helped you move from your low point to where you are now?
John Borsos:
I gotta talk about where my low point was.
Trent Manning:
Yeah. Yeah.
John Borsos:
So, I’m working at a dealership place. I really didn’t want to be, I was asked to go work there by a service manager to help them out. So it was really stressful for me there because I’m there trying to help him out. Meanwhile, not wanting to be there at all. So like I said, I started off just pacing around while I was at home. And like, I still do it on the phone. Like I’m talking on the phone, I’ll pace around, but I think it’s just how I am.
Trent Manning:
Yeah. Yeah.
John Borsos:
I just can’t stand still when I’m talking on the phone for some reason but so like started pacing around and it started getting worse to where, I couldn’t focus at work, so I didn’t want to be there. It got to a point where I would drive to work and not get out of my car because I was so anxious about going in.
Trent Manning:
Wow.
John Borsos:
And dealing with it. So I would call off from the parking lot and then it got to the point, where I wasn’t sleeping at all. And I can remember just pace around my house, go outside, smoke a cigarette, come back in and pace around. It was through a weekend. So I probably didn’t sleep that whole weekend. Monday I call off. Cause there’s no way I was going to work. I just could not go in. And I think at that point, I can’t remember what time it was, but I just finally called my father. I’m like, listen, you’re not going to understand, but you have to come pick me up and take me to the doctor because I just could not. I go, can you get me to get my car to drive?
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
John Borsos:
Reaching out for help was kinda my turning point to where got diagnosed and obviously treatment. Where it was offer effort at the time. I mean, they give you medicine, you know, you’re going to feel better. And
Trent Manning:
If you don’t, mommy asked them what was the diagnosis?
John Borsos:
Anxiety, depression so I go to the doctor and I guess it was a physician just sits. And that was actually Talking to me. And she gave me a piece of paper with all these questions on it. And she said, I’ll just fill this out. And, we’ll take care of you. And I’m sitting there reading this paper and I’m very good at reading things and taking tests and analyzing what I’m seeing or reading. And I’m looking at this piece of paper and I’m just like, Kept on calling her over. I’m like, what does this mean? I don’t understand what they’re asking me. And it’s just a bunch of boxes you check off. And I had no clue. Couldn’t focus on it. It was a blur, but also everything was in slow motion at the same time. It was crazy. But after being on medication and Talking it out with everybody, what was going on, why I was doing what I was doing. It definitely got me get past it to where I could get off a medication and go back to somewhat normal life.
Trent Manning:
Do you think life ever gets normal
John Borsos:
No, I mean, It’s normal to an extent, but what I learned the most from it was not to take what’s going on. Is it focused, hyper focus on the stress of everything going on? My wife doesn’t understand how I do it now. With where I work, how I can just come home and not even talk about most of my day. Everyone, we’ll see what I deal with on a daily basis on some respects, but what I can share, I can’t share. It’s just, there’s a lot that. goes on. Just doesn’t get on social media or talked about really, like I said, one day, hopefully I’ll be able to talk about some of that stuff, but I can just shut it off. As soon as I leave work, Obviously if they call me at midnight, I usually go in to do whatever I gotta do. But it’s the fact that What happened today, ends today. Tomorrow I deal with the next thing and learning that to where, I didn’t hyper-focus like, Hey, I was to the point where I was thinking about what was going to happen, tomorrow, so much that, like I said, I couldn’t sleep where at least now, like I kind of again, there’s stuff that does bother me, but it doesn’t get to that.
Trent Manning:
Right.
John Borsos:
I have episode, I guess that episode is not really episodes, but I can feel when I’m getting anxious. I know just to like calm down and not let it take over like my life
Trent Manning:
Yeah. Yeah.
John Borsos:
a way, you know?
Trent Manning:
But that’s a lot easier said than done. I think a lot of times too. Did he learn how to cope with it?
John Borsos:
After. I weaned off the medication and everything kind of got back to a normal life. I mean, I still was drinking, you know, I didn’t stop that until I can’t remember the last time I had a drink and it’s not that I don’t want to. It just I don’t need to, I don’t even have the desire. Probably earliest year I bought a six pack and never drank it. It just sat in my refrigerator to just like, okay, we’re throwing this away now because
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
John Borsos:
it’s, I mean, it’s some people’s escape. Is that? And I guess for how much I used to drink, I just don’t.
Trent Manning:
Yeah, that makes sense. And I think that probably is a lot of release for her Coby magazines or whatever. For a lot of people that are struggling, turned to alcohol.
John Borsos:
Yeah. And it’s like you say, it’s hard to ask for help when you’re in a situation. Because until it got to the point where I couldn’t leave my house. And I’m like, well, if I can’t leave my house, I can’t, I gotta have somebody come get me I gotta do something like that, me to get to that point, to ask for help. And my father at the time, he couldn’t understand any of it. He’s like, I don’t understand. What do you mean? You can’t leave your house? I’m like, you need to come here and get me, he could just, couldn’t like. Fad on what was going on, I don’t know if he ever understood because I gotta, you know, if he never threw like a, a situation, an episode like that, you just don’t understand it
Trent Manning:
what did you learn from going through your stroke?
John Borsos:
I guess I’d definitely not to hyper-focus on. Issues that aren’t really that big, but your mind makes them way bigger than they really are
Trent Manning:
Yeah. You can’t turn it off
John Borsos:
It just eats at you and aids that you, till I just, I wasn’t myself at all. I think the only night I spent in my parents’ house, it was a night. My dad picked me up and I went back to my house, but I can remember my mom just looking at me, really weird, because the way I was talking, I couldn’t form complete sentences. I would just complete slow motion and it wasn’t that I was medicated. It was just how my brain was just
Trent Manning:
Um,
John Borsos:
and like, I definitely are not hyper-focused and how to deal with day-to-day stress. And I can’t explain how I do it. I can just shut it off and move on to the next day to the next problem to the next.
Trent Manning:
Did you learn that through self-help or through therapy?
John Borsos:
I really just myself, because the only thing they really did was, you know, they’ll do like a questionnaire, put me on medication, you know, I’ll tell me, we’ll revisit it down the road. If the medication is helping, if it isn’t helping, if we need to up your doses, lower your dosages and. How I came off of medication is so once it’s fully in effect, I almost was looking at myself from above myself and while I could function and do everything day to day, I was almost outside my body. I definitely did not like how I felt on Medicaid. And it kind of made me wean myself off of it. Even though they told me not to, I just knew if this is where I was going to be forever. I don’t know if I could do that.
Trent Manning:
Yeah,
John Borsos:
That makes sense. You know, it was real weird. And I know, I’ve talked to people who’ve been on the same medication and their call. I love it. Cause I all, not me. And I’m like, well, I wasn’t me. So I didn’t like it. I don’t know if I could deal with being the way I was after either. If it made sense, you
Trent Manning:
yeah. yeah. Was log now.
John Borsos:
I mean, it’s pretty good. Like I said, I have every so often I’ll have anxiety come up and I could feel it. I know how it feels now, before, I didn’t know what it was now. that I know what it is and know, I can stop hyper-focusing on what ever is causing it. For the most part to me is normal. I still have pacing around sometimes or. I get that nervousness, feeling, but I mean the most part it’s just normal life now as, as normal as normal is right now, even worse, which is so earlier this year I had surgery on my thyroid, so I took out half of my thyroid. It’s because I had a that ended up being a decent size lump on my throat, like a mule. It was got very noticeable. And obviously with COVID last year, I wanted to get it looked at, but with COVID being so new and no one wanted to go to doctors. Cause it was the last place you wanted to go to was a doctor. So it was like, well, I’ll just wait and see. But it got to the point where I started affecting my brain.
Trent Manning:
Wow.
John Borsos:
having my father go through mouth and throat cancer. I’m just like, ah, it’s going to be, this is going to be good. You know? And so to get back normalcy, I didn’t completely freak out or throw myself back into a loop with it. I just you know, well, we’re going to deal with this as it comes. I don’t know anything yet. And we ain’t know how to go through biopsies and, shoving a camera down my nose and my throat. And you said that my throat looked good, so that’s a good sign. And I mean, until they actually took the nodule out, they couldn’t guarantee me. It wasn’t cancerous. I mean, luckily it wasn’t, but for not to be hyper-focused and now go back into a. Anxious episode, we’ll go on through that. I think a definitely kind of know, can say on normal per se,
Trent Manning:
Yeah. Yeah. What motivates you to share your.
John Borsos:
Just let people know, it’s not wrong to not be okay. Anybody can say they know what you’re going through, but a lot of people may not, but they can help you get through it.
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
John Borsos:
The biggest thing is, asking for help. And whether that be just talking to anybody about anything that’s going on that day, you know, just be open. It’s scary when you’re going through it and when you go through it alone, I was living with a roommate who happened to be out of town a lot. So I was at the house by myself, I had no one really had talked to my parents were there. I could go over there on Sundays and have dinner, but it’s like, how do you bring up? Like, Hey, Yeah. I don’t know what’s going on. I think I might be crazy. Literally tell you even crazier. Knowing what I know now I probably should have opened up to them earlier instead of waiting, because I get to that point, because the faster you talk about it, the faster you can get better. And it’s not the end of the world at all. I just moving on to the next step.
Trent Manning:
Yeah, this is just another hurdle in life
John Borsos:
And it’s like, There are thing going on now. Everything’s so stressful and it’s stressful as it is, but like you power everything along the past two years, it gets crazy and you know, don’t let it eat you up.
Trent Manning:
Well, I think also in our line of work and being a mechanic where this turf mechanic, or, you know, any kind of mechanic, we’re dealing with bad news all day long for the most part. So, and then, yeah. Laugh stuff on top of that and nothing. It just makes the situation worse.
John Borsos:
it does. I mean, it piles on I was always told, you don’t bring home the work, but it’s not that easy sometimes. When things are going on at home, how can you not start your day bad? If something, already bothering you, it’s hard to shut it off. It’s really easy for you to shut off work from home though. For me, it’s easy because where I’m at, honestly, it was a lot different when I was working on cars or, had cars hanging over, or if you’re at a country club or a private club, or even a municipal, that’s not like where I work, but you said tomorrow it was always another day.
Trent Manning:
Yeah.
John Borsos:
It’s how I look at.
Trent Manning:
Well, no, I think that’s a great outlook and really no matter where you are, if you can get the mindset, I think that helps your mental health
John Borsos:
Oh, yeah.
Trent Manning:
as, you know, turn it off at the end of the day, which is we say it’s easier said than done, but if you can turn it off and have a release doing something constructive, hopefully can not go into the bar. And. And I mean, honestly, this podcast helps me.
John Borsos:
Yeah,
Trent Manning:
I mean, and not just this episode that we’re doing now, but all the episodes and meeting different people and hearing their story and they kind of, you know, it gives me something to do. It gives me something to work on, gives me something to keep my mind busy.
John Borsos:
Definitely keeps you busy.
Trent Manning:
yeah, now it definitely keeps me busy last year. I can’t wait. Y’all talk me into releasing an episode every week.
John Borsos:
Hey,
Trent Manning:
We’re here.
John Borsos:
we’re here. What’s it going to be? 30 this week.
Trent Manning:
Yeah. Episode 30 this week.
John Borsos:
If like episode 14. Wasn’t that long
Trent Manning:
No, it was not, Nope. I guess 16 weeks ago.
John Borsos:
Yeah, Now it’s crazy.
Trent Manning:
Yeah, no, that’s crazy, but it’s been great. And,
John Borsos:
Well, even, when you started just the real turf, the list on Twitter? When you said, oh, I’m going to start this lesson, like, well, what’s that about? I gotta let you know, get all these equip managers, you know, turf guys like, oh, I like that. And then met so many more people. I meet so many more people just through the podcast.
Trent Manning:
That’s awesome.
John Borsos:
I’m sitting there. Where I’m from, where I’m working. And is Molly Parsons dealing with stupid stuff, in some respects he asked some respects, obviously know everyone else, we’re going through the same things may not be as crazy some days, but we all see crazy stuff. And it kind of goes the same with the mental health is you’re not the only one going.
Trent Manning:
right. Well then, I mean, it was really obvious and I’ll talk about this more in the. Prelude to this episode about the WhatsApp group and Matthew coming out and telling his story. And it was amazing just to see a lot of other people in the group to open up and say, yeah, I’ve been there too, or I’ve, you know, experienced this. And so you’re not alone. A lot of us goes through this kind of stuff.
John Borsos:
And it’s probably was easier in the WhatsApp group for us to open up because not as public as Twitter, I guess, but it’s a lot easier to put a lot more words and WhatsApp group that is on Twitter sometimes to where you have to pick and choose what words you’re going to
Trent Manning:
that’s right. That’s right.
John Borsos:
it’s definitely a different thing, but
Trent Manning:
Yeah,
John Borsos:
it’s definitely nice to be. On that side too. Yeah,
Trent Manning:
for sure. Thank you for coming on John and telling your story. I really appreciate it.
John Borsos:
Yeah, not a problem anytime.
Trent Manning:
We’ll the talking to you saying.
John Borsos:
Alright, take it easy to track.
Trent Manning:
Thank you, John so much for sharing your story. As John mentioned. As best to talk to your doctor before changing your medication. Although sometimes it’s easy for us to think, oh, we can fix ourselves. But. Just like a mower in your shop. You might be able to fix it. But he wouldn’t ask. One of the guys that. Uses the mower all the time to fix it. Sometimes it takes a professional. John’s story is a great reminder that you may try some solutions that aren’t a good fit for you. Keep trying. You will get there. Until next time. So you buy. thank you so much for listening to the real turf techs podcast. I hope you learned something today. Don’t forget to subscribe. If you have any topics you’d like to discuss, or you’d like to be a guest, find us on Twitter at real turf techs.